Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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