i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
