turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
