Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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