and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
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Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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