when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
