mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
