sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
