Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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