I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
