i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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