I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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