Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
