I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
