I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
