i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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