did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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