I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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