im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
