peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You are the jesus of drinking
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
