So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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