I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
