I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
