I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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