I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.