That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
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that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.