You made me cry and you don't even care
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
