When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
