dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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