this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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