The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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