John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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