none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
