So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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