I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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