Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
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I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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