filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
