something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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