Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
