I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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