She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We have so much sex to catch up on
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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