You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
