the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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