The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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