she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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