She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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