Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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