When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
