A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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