I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
