Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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