i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
