Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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