I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If that was your dad, he is hot
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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