The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
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I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.