So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.