I wish my penis had an off switch
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.