she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable