you suck at this game today
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude